Cats, Dogs and Xander
by Tony D
Summary: Xander teams up with the most evil and clever villain in history to take over the world
1. Default Chapter

Title: Cats, Dogs and Xander  
  
Author: Tony D  
  
Summary: Xander teams up with the most evil and clever villain in history to take over the world...Tinkles, Mr. Tinkles.  
  
Declaimers: Unfortunately I don't own any of them. Joss and other people who are not me own BTVS. The Movie Cats and Dogs is owned by Warner Bothers Inc  
  
Type: Action/Silly Fic  
  
Spoilers: Every thing up to Seeing Red. General for Angel  
  
Distribution: Want take have. Just tell me where it's going.  
  
Dedication: To all the great authors that have inspired me to start writing especially Samuel Grimes, Dale Thiel, Lori Bush, Bob Regent, Stone Cold, Jason Thompson, Jeff Patrick, Slayer, Edwin Alice, Kenneth Carter, N.Y.Angel Unholy Church, Red Jacobs, Ten hawk, TC, MagnusXXN, Kellan and Melissa Woolever.  
  
Feedback: Please please please.  
  
Rating: Lets say PG-13 for violence, the Seeing Red Rape scene and drug use. "Only pot people. Most of us have done it". This, for the most part is a silly fic, but there will be a few major issues dealt with. But mostly this is just a light fun thing.  
  
Pairings: B/X  
  
Timing: Takes place a few days after Entropy. Most of Seeing Red will happen, but later in the Fic. Tara wont die  
  
(Italics mean thoughts)  
  
Xanders Apartment Complex  
  
A weary Xander Harris walked slowly to his door carrying his groceries. His shoulders slumped with the weight of all his stress. He had blown it with Anya when he'd watched her with that thing. Worst of the worst Buffy, his hero, the person whom he would have done anything for, had also slept with that thing. Once again she went to a vampire instead of him. Choosing the misery of being with Spike instead of coming to him for help. Worst of it seemed both the Summers girls had chosen Spike. For the first time in ages, Dawn was not coming over for movie night. Her anger at him for almost killing Spike might have broken their bond. Xander didn't think he could take much more.  
  
He slowly put his key to the door when he heard it the thickly accented banshee like wail of his neighbor  
  
"OH MISTER ALEXANDER!!!!!!!!!! Can I talk with you?" Sophia, Xander's neighbor from across the hall screamed as she came running up to him  
  
Oh good god not now, not this, Xander thought as he put on fake smile. "Hi Sophia, nice to see you. How can I be of service my lady?" Xander may not like her but he was always a gentlemen  
  
Sophia playfully slapped at him. "Always so nice. I need to ask you a favor? I'm going out of town. I need someone to look after my little kitty. If it would be no trouble, could you do it?"  
  
Okay Xander stand up for yourself. Tell the annoying battle axe to take her kitty and get lost. Come on find that inner rage women always seem to have in abundance. "Sure I would be happy to." God no you little punk. Now we're stuck with her cat for a few days. You big wuss.  
  
"Oh thank you. I go to get him and his things. I see you in a moment," she said happy as she ran off.  
  
Xander just grumbled to himself as he opened the door to his apartment. "Why can't she control her volume. I mean, choose a pitch and stay with it."  
  
A few minutes later Sophie came back to Xander's apartment pushing a trolley with about three boxes and a pet carry cage on top.  
  
"Now these are my little baby's clothes. He likes his baseball uniform and bonnet the most," she said as she pushed two large boxes of cat clothes off the trolley and onto the floor. "The rest of his things are in this box. Here is list of things he likes and how to get hold of me. Also its our turn to host Kitty Play Date tomorrow. Others will be bringing their cats over here to socialize." She handed Xander the paper and opened the kitty carrier and lifted out a big white cat. "Ok Mr. Tinkles, you be good for the nice man now you hear me?" Sophia then started doing baby talk to the cat. Xander just shrugged but he could of sworn for one second the cat rolled his eyes.  
  
Sophia put the cat down and headed to the door. "Is there anything I can do for you before I go?"  
  
Xander looked over the list on how to take care of cat when something caught his eye. "Um Sophia, how come is says that you won't be back till the 15th of three months from now? That's a mistake, right?"  
  
Sophia did a snort like laugh. "No no Mr. Alexander. I won a trip around the world. I will be back in a few months." She grabbed her purse and headed to the door. "Thank you for doing this." She then headed for the door and shuffled off as fast as she could. Too fast for Xander's liking.  
  
Xander sat there for a few minutes looking between the list and Mr. Tinkles before saying anything. "Ah f*#k. Damn damn damn damn." He went over to his grocery bag and grabbed a one-liter bottle of Jack Daniels, his rolling papers and his one-tenth ounce bag of pot. He then headed over to his couch, sat down hitting the remote to his stereo which started to play his one man pity party's CD that he would listened to all week, since he found out about Buffy, Anya and Spike.  
  
He opened the bottle, took a swing and started rolling a joint. He looked at the cat. "If you think I am putting that bonnet or PJs on you, you're crazy." Xander looked closely at Mr. Tinkles. That's weird he thought. I could swear that cat had just smiled at me.  
  
Forty-five minutes, six shots and a joint later...  
  
As Xander rolled his second joint, he kept talking to Mr. Tinkles about all his problems. His speech was slurred due to all the alcohol. "I mean, come on kitty you would not believe it. I mean, the love of my life, f*#king a vampire all the time, all over the place right in front of me like I was invisible. Then that jerk, Spike, also slept with Anya. They even videoed it."  
  
Xander stopped for a second and thought about his words as best as his drunk mind could. He must have just mixed things up. He was over Buffy. Anya was the love of his life. Xander shook his head as if to clear it.  
  
He finished rolling his joint as he thought to himself. Drugs and Alcohol. The two thing he said he would never mess with but right now, they were all that could take the pain in his heart away for a little while. He brought the joint up to his lips, lit it and inhaled. While holding the smoke deep in his lungs, he noticed the cat still staring at him  
  
"What? You want a hit little kitty?" Xander said as he exhaled the smoke into its face.  
  
The cat started coughing and then did some thing amazing. He spoke. "Please. Do you have to do that? It kills brain cells and I don't think you could afford to lose any more, my moronic bipedal friend."  
  
Xander just sat there for a few second looking between the joint and the cat. He slowly got up, picked up the phone and called his dealer.  
  
"Yeah, Jerry man. This is some good stuff. The cat's talking to me. No man swear to god. I'll take an ounce of this batch. What? Ok. I will see you tomorrow with the money."  
  
Xander hung up the phone and headed to his bedroom. When the cat starts talking to you its time to go to bed and sleep it off. He hit the light and laid down on his bed.  
  
Mr. Tinkles sat in the living room with a smile on his little face. "Oh yes dear Alexander. Head off to beddy byes. Sleep the sleep of the just for tomorrow my little puppet, I start pulling your strings thus directing you to our glorious destiny of World Domination." A streak of lightning flashed outside the window as he said those last two words. "And this time, no one will stop me. Mwahahahahahahaha." Mr. Tinkles stopped laughing and looked around. "Now I just need my satin pillow and to see what he has in the fridge. Tomorrow will be a busy day." 


	2. part two

Title: Cats, Dogs and Xander part two  
  
Author: Tony D  
  
Summary: Xander teams up with the most evil and clever villain in history to take over the world...Tinkles, Mr. Tinkles.  
  
Disclaimers: Unfortunately I don't own any of them. Joss and other people who are not me own BTVS. The movie Cats and Dogs is owned by Warner Brothers Inc  
  
Type: Action/Silly Fic  
  
Spoilers: Everything up to Seeing Red. General for Angel  
  
Distribution: Want take have. Just tell me where it's going.  
  
Dedication: To all the great authors that have inspired me to start writing especially Samuel Grimes, Dale Thiel, Lori Bush, Bob Regent, Stone Cold, Jason Thompson, Jeff Patrick, Slayer, Edwin Alice, Kenneth Carter, N.Y.Angel Unholy Church, Red Jacobs, Tenhawk, TC, MagnusXXN, Kellan and Melissa Woolever.  
  
Feedback: Please please please.  
  
Rating: Lets say PG-13 for violence, the Seeing Red rape scene and drug use. "Only pot people. Most of us have done it". This, for the most part is a silly fic, but there will be a few major issues dealt with. But mostly this is just a light fun thing.  
  
Pairings: B/X  
  
Timing: Takes place a few days after Entropy. Most of Seeing Red will happen, but later in the fic. Tara wont die, Warren got arrested with the Three Nerds of Doom. Spike will still try and rape Buffy and that'll cause problems you will have to see.  
  
Voice Talent: Mr. Tinkles = Shawn Hayes, Miss Kitty Fantasco = Jennifer Love Hewitt, Dr Winkers = Jerry Combs  
  
*thoughts*  
  
Xander's Apartment The Next Day  
  
Xander sat watching Saturday morning cartoons, his eyes drifting to Mr. Tinkles every once in a while. Ok, yeah, it was an alcohol induced illusion. But ever since the whole 'cat talking' thing, Xander just got a creepy vibe off the little white furball. His musings were interrupted when the door bell rang. He staggered up and went to answer it. When he opened the door and saw who it was, he couldn't help but smile.  
  
"Hey Wills, its great to see you. What's up ?" he said in a very happy way. He hadn't seen Willow for a few days. His smile turned down a notch when he saw her holding her cat, Miss Kitty Fantasco.  
  
"Hey Xander. I can't stay long. Just here to drop off Miss Kitty for the whole playdate thing. You're holding it for Sophie right?"  
  
"Um, yeah I am," he said in a somber tone. She was not here to see him, just drop off her cat for the stupid playdate thing. "So how's my favorite little kitty?" He started petting Miss Kitty between the ears. She closed her eyes and started purring rather loudly  
  
Willow smiled. "You know, you're the only one she does that for."  
  
"Well you know me. I'm just a lady magnet."  
  
"Yeah I know. Listen, I have to get going for a study group." Willow looked at her watch. "I'm meeting Tara in about a half hour." She handed Miss Kitty over to Xander and he started rubbing her belly. She only purred louder closed her eyes and went limp in his arms. "Oh. Tara and I won tickets the concert tonight. You think you could watch her over night?"  
  
"No problem Wills."  
  
"You're the best Xander. See you in the morning. Be a good girl now for Uncle Xander Miss K." She kissed Xander's cheek and walked off down the hallway.  
  
"Yeah whatever." He took Miss Kitty into his apartment and put her down next to Tinkles. "Now you two play nice." With that, he wandered off into the bathroom.  
  
Mr. Tinkles and Miss Kitty watched Xander leave. When they sure he was gone they started talking.  
  
"Miss Kitty Fantasco I presume. Its interesting to finally meet you after all the e-mails we have been sending to each other."  
  
"Likewise Tinkles." She looked him over. "You know, going by your reputation, I thought you be bigger."  
  
"And from what I have heard about you Miss Kitty, I thought you look more witch-like. You're rather fetching."  
  
Miss Kitty's eyes glowed blue with mystical energy. "Don't get fresh Tinkles. This is a professional relationship nothing more. Just keep your eyes on the ball."  
  
*Oh the arrogance of this little cat. I will have to teach her some respect when I rule the world* "Yes, I do apologies." Mr. Tinkles thought for a moment. "You were rather friendly with the Biped there were you not?"  
  
"Well Xander's great." Miss Kitty closed her eyes for a second. "He's strong and brave. His hands are nice and soft, yet firm at the same and when he scratches between your ears, its always gentle." Miss Kitty started to purr deeply. Mr. Tinkles cough brought her out of her trance.  
  
"Yes. Being that as it may, I hope your personal feelings don't interfere with our plans for WORLD DOMINATION!!"  
  
Miss Kitty rolled her eyes. "Do you have to do that?"  
  
"Do what?"  
  
"When you say world domination, you yell it."  
  
"Do not."  
  
"Do too."  
  
"Do not."  
  
"Do too."  
  
They stopped arguing when they heard the faucet running.  
  
"Ok Tinkles, we can talk about this later. We can't let Xander find out yet. Not until the safety protocols are all in place." She thought for a minute "How are we going to have the meeting while he's here?"  
  
"Trust me. I was able to make sure the witches got the tickets so you could be here tonight. I arranged for my jailer to win that trip and I made sure she would leave me here. Don't worry. It will all be taken care of ."  
  
Miss Kitty became a little worried when she saw Tinkle's sinister smirk. But if he tried to hurt Xander, he would learn the meaning of the word witch  
  
45 Minutes Later  
  
Xander was now officially creped out. The entire playdate group had arrived. About eight cats in all. The problem was they were not playing, just standing round staring at him. He sat on his couch and looked down  
  
*Where'd that coke come from? Oh well.* Xander popped the top and drank the soda. He leaned back on the couch feeling very drowsy. His eyes drifted closed as he slowly feel asleep.  
  
The cats made sure he was out before they gathered in a circle with Tinkles at the head.  
  
"Welcome my friends to the first meeting of our Council of Doom. Introductions are not necessary for you all know each other as the best of the best in each your perspective fields." Tinkles perked up. "We have all gathered here for this grand undertaking, Operation Dark Thunder. You can see in your World Domination pamphlets, the plan outline. As of tomorrow, we will have the human, Alexander Harris working for us. That is when the real work begins. Does everyone understand?" All the cats nodded in agreement. "Good. Now on to refreshments. There is tuna and milk in the kitchen."  
  
All the cats took off running into the kitchen except for Miss Kitty.  
  
"What did you give him?!"  
  
"Just a mild sedative. Nothing major." *Oh how I loathe playing the nice guy, but WORLD DOMINATION demands sacrifice. Hey. I do yell WORLD DOMINATION every time I say it.* "Miss Kitty. Tonight is an important step in our plan and it involves Mr. Harris. Will you be able to do it?"  
  
"As long as it won't hurt him."  
  
"Oh dont worry Miss Kitty. Dr. Winkers assures me its safe. Now let's go get something to eat. We have a long night ahead off us."  
  
Miss Kitty nodded and followed him into the kitchen.  
  
Later That Night  
  
After Xander handed the last cat to its owner he went into the kitchen to get a drink. It felt good to fall asleep without just actually passing out first. He was so jazzed he never felt the tranquillizer dart hit his neck. He fell unconscious to the floor.  
  
Mr. Tinkles stood over him holding the gun. "He shoots, he scores." He turned to see the angry look on Miss Kitty's face. "What? It had to be done." They were interrupted by a knock at the door. "Be a good little pussy and go let Doctor Winkers in."  
  
She growled at Mr. Tinkles but went to answer the door. A few seconds later, Miss Kitty and three other brown cats all dressed in operating clothes returned all carrying bags.  
  
"Doctor, the Biped is all yours." Mr. Tinkles smiled and left them to their work.  
  
Miss Kitty stuck around for a minute. "You had better not hurt him!" she said allowing the magic to show in her eyes.  
  
"Don't worry my dear. Its just little brain surgery. Nothing to be concerned with. You'd better go now. I don't think you'd want to see this." Miss Kitty left. "Human lover," Dr Winkers snarled as he watched her go. "Nurse, get the device ready and hand me the bone saw." 


End file.
